Posts Tagged shower curtains

Social Squirreling

If you’ve been unfortunate enough to catch blurbs on the news or seen commercials for the show that evidently airs on A&E, you’ve come to realize that the nation is suffering from a stockpile of hoarders.
If you’ve been unfortunate enough to visit the History Channel recently, you are no doubt aware that the entire world is about to be destroyed by the Giant Aztec Death Plague Comet, which was foretold by Nostradamus because he bribed the Freemasons into telling him their plans, thereby rendering any hoarder issues fairly moot.  Aliens are certainly involved as well, according to numerous science experts with backgrounds in fields such as Recreational Substance Abuse and Psychic Botany.  But that is another story, probably a two-hour special.

Anyway, if either the news or the commercials are correct, this country is currently littered with people who have been inexplicably compelled to turn their houses into privately owned storage facilities for old newspapers and on occasion several hundred cats.

We could debate all day about the effects of doing idiotic things such as producing television shows about people with psychological issues, but regardless, I now know why they hoard.  Amazon told them to.

We recently ordered some cheap (yes, and inexpensive) new shower curtains to replace some grungy old ones.  They’re shower curtains; after however many years, they were in need of replacements.  The internet, being the giant creepy warehouse store that it is, one that would sell you human organs given the opportunity and the promise of enough money, had what we wanted.

For those of you who don’t take advantage of Amazon’s services, let me explain something.  When you buy things from their site, it remembers.  Like a disturbing Wal-Mart savant, it remembers it all.  Every item you purchase is factored into recommendations that will appear on the main page on your return visits.

And there’s the problem.  Now that we have purchased shower curtains, it has decided to recommend–of all things–more shower curtains.  Scads of shower curtains.  More shower curtains than a Holiday Inn would lose during a Compulsive Hitchcock Reenactors Convention.  What kind of family Amazon thinks we are, I do not know.  I do not want to know.

But my conclusion is that the internet, in addition to causing the loss of billions of man-minutes of labor every day, (there went another one) is also responsible for turning fairly normal people into rodents.  Because by simply purchasing an item online these victims unwittingly begin a chain reaction that ends with the purchase of 50,000 universal remotes and enough copies of “The Pirates of Penzance” to implode a parking garage.